Dad of the Year?

After waking SON up for school this morning (because he has this thing about setting his own alarm clock) the two of us are sitting downstairs having breakfast when he bolts up out of his chair. He heads over to the trash can and starts digging through it, pulling out supermarket flyers looking quite frantic.

"What are you doing?"

"I need a newspaper for social studies today."

"Why are you doing this five minutes before you have to walk out the door?"

"I forgot," he mumbled.

"Just like you 'forgot' to bring home your reading assignment last week?"

.............

(That's the sound of being ignored.)

"OK, get in the car. Let's go."

"What are we doing?" he said with a bit of hesitation in his voice.

"You need a paper, don't you? We don't get the paper and I don't have one here."

So we climb into the car, but instead of driving up to the little shops, I slowly head the opposite direction around our block.

"Where are we going?" SON asked.

"Quiet! They'll hear us!"

I continued to creep along, looking in both directions. Just as SON was starting to get worried, I spoke.

"How important is this assignment?" I asked.

"It's due today!"

"Ok. Get ready."

"Ready for what?"

"Quiet! Wait."

I slowly pulled up in front of a house that belongs to a couple of my ex's friends. I used to be friends with them too, but they work with her and they haven't said a word to me since the day we split. (Anyway, that's only half the reason I picked this house.)

"Get their paper," I told him.

"What? I'm not..."

"Get it! Get it! Go... NOW! Hurry!"

"I don't have any shoes on!"

"I don't care. Get the damn paper! You need a paper! Go get it!"

I shoved him out of the car and shut the door.

As he ran across their yard and grabbed the paper, I blasted the car horn and then took off. I drove home laughing so hard it hurt.

When I made the turn onto the far entrance of my street, I could see him running across the little park behind the houses across the street as he was trying to find the shortest path home. He was running like he was being chased by a pack of dobermans, arms and legs flailing as he ducked past the swings and slides. I pulled into the driveway, my eyes watering from laughing so hard, and he met me at the door.

"You... (pant, pant, pant) why did you... (pant, pant) You made me steal a paper and you left me there! (pant, pant)........ Why did you do that?"

"What kind of parent are you?" He said with his hands still on his knees.

I just looked at him, wiped my eyes and said "The kind that makes sure you won't ever forget to do your homework again. Oh, and good job with the running. Track team signups are next week. I think we found your sport."

"You suck."

"And you can give them back their paper after school."