Occasionally at work, someone will have a birthday. In celebration, one of the administrative assistants will buy a cake and a goofy card and we pretend like we don't know that the birthday person knows we have a cake and a card even though we do it for everyone, every year. But, it's an excuse to get away from the desk and computers for a few minutes, so we all play along.
Well, most of you know that my department is almost exclusively women. And when our Vice President is out of town, I'm the lone torch bearer, so to speak. Which is kind of cool on occasion since in each one of these gatherings I get further insight into what women really talk about when guys aren't around. Because at these gatherings somehow I become totally invisible.
It's very enlightening. Take yesterday for example. One of the women, our department wiseass, brought up farts. (I thought only guys talked about those. But I was wrong.)
The conversation started out like this: "Chris and his Dad were working on the house last night when I came home and my whole house stunk. Each one was blaming the other and farting the whole time, 'No, it was him, brrrrrrrrrrrp', Chris calls that 'crop dusting', and I swear, I had to light seven candles. And not for the scent but to ward off the evil spirits escaping their ass. They need to change their diet."
A second woman piped up, "They need a colonic."
A third: "Have you ever seen those things? They always reminded me of-" she stopped very suddenly, all embarressed.
The wiseass egged her on: "What? What? WHAT? Remind you of what?"
"I can't," the third stammered. She looked at the ground as she whispered, "You know. Those things, I was a kid, it was in the shower and I always wondered what it was-"
So the wiseass finished for her: "A douche bag! I know! We had one too! I could not, for the life of me, figure out what the hell that thing was for!"
A couple of the women in the back looked over at me with pitiful stares. The rest were either laughing hysterically, or completely beet red.
But it didn't end there. "Well, that's how they made them back then, And I guess the moms kept them in the shower. Moms should really tell their kids that kind of stuff so, you don't, you know, blow on the tube thing like the bag is a weird balloon, because you have no clue."
Now the rest of the women - even the ones that were laughing - were beet red, yet still trying to laugh.
"Not that I ever did that. Because that would be, eww, that would be, that's just gross. I never did that."
Then while she was looking around satisfied at all the red faces she had created, she suddenly noticed me and remembered I was there too.
She looked at me and said "What? At least we all know my mom had a clean hoo haw!"
So. Who wants my job?
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3 comments:
Ew, women in the south back-in-the-day must have had stankier lady-parts because I never saw such a thing growing up in the shower or elsewhere!
Maybe cause its so humid of a climate???
I work in a department that is predominantly made up of women. 20 some women, 2 married guys and one gay guy. Now I know how the guys must feel sometimes!
Of course some of our women are a little out there too. Like the one that ran around the holiday party pinching everyone's asses in a drunken stupor. She even got the CEO. He looked at me and said, "I think that's the biggest thrill I've had in a LONG time!"
I used to work with a buncha guys. They talked about lawnmowers. I always wondered how people could talk so much about lawnmowers. Your department is way more fun.
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