Doctor's Appointment

I had a doctor's appointment this AM with a Urologist. This was a referral from my regular doctor who tests my liver every three months because I take Lipitor for cholesterol. Well the last two times I was at my regular doctor, my urine test results would come back fine but there was always a touch of blood in there. After the third straight visit with this result, he shipped me off.

So this morning I get to the urologist's office and everything starts as expected. The nurse checks my height, weight, blood pressure, and temperature. Then she has me go pee in a cup and ships me off to an exam room to wait for the doctor. I figure he'd go through the results and the causes and I'll be on my way.

Wrong.

He comes in and says, "I see the blood in the urine your doctor was talking about so I'm going to send it off for DNA analysis and make sure your parents are who they say they are." (Actually, that wasn't exactly what he said they were testing for, but the medical terms are eluding me. I do recall him using the word microanalysis though.)

I say, "OK, that's fine. So what do you think it is?"

He says "I have no idea. Drop your drawers and lets find out."

Umm. Yea... OK.

So I drop my pants and he begins examining me. The first thing he said was "Whoever did your vasectomy seems to have done it quite tight. Has it been affecting your sexual performance at all?"

I told him I wasn't turned on by him if that was what he was asking.

Apparantly that wasn't the correct answer because he told me to turn around and then shoved his entire hand up my butt. "Prostate's fine!" He announced.

The rest of me wasn't anymore though. "A little bit of warning would have been nice!" I responded. Wow. That was an unfun experience.

After telling me everything looked fine, he said he suspected that I have a kidney stone and either it's too small to bother me or I have a really high pain threshold. He said depending on how the results on the urine came back he would send me in for an X-Ray to check for kidney stones. And if that came back negative, we'd have to begin discussion about more unpleasant tests.

"More unpleasant that you shoving your hand up my butt?"

"Yea, how does a camera up your urethra sound?"

"I don't think this relationship is working out as I hoped. I really don't like you very much anymore."

"Nobody does. I'll call you next week with your test results. Here's some tissues, go wipe the lube off your ass..."

So much for a simple doctor's appointment.