More Urology stuff

Warning: Way too much information ahead. If you don't wanna know, skip this post!

OK - I've satified the censors so now I can move ahead with the story. Last month I wrote about my Urology appointment, and earlier this week I finally got back into see him. The previous test results had come up clean, but there were still 8 or 9 red blood cells per part in my urine, whatever that means, so he decided he wanted to do a CT scan.

Thursday was the day. I get to the office and this nurse brings me back into the room. There's a giant donut looking machine in the middle, and a table next to it. The nurse looks at me and says I need you to drop your pants to around your knees and get up on the bed.

I do so, and she say "Put your underwear back on, I didn't mean that!"

Dammit. I tried...

She continued that she just needed my jeans lowered so the zipper didn't appear in the pictures. Anyway, I hop up on this table and the bed keeps sliding in and out of the donut - which in itself is pretty phallic if you think about it. The whole thing took about 10 minutes and I was out of there. They told me to show back up at 11 o'clock the next day to get my results.

So Friday I get to the office, and this time my doctor meets with me. He's got a laptop with him and he says "I have good news and I have some bad news." Bad news is nothing you ever want to hear come out of your doctor's mouth. I'm thinking cancer ridden bladder tumors that are going to cause my penis to fall of within the week.

He starts up the video of my CT scan results and says the "good news" is that the CAT scan looks perfect. He shows me my kidneys, my liver, my bladder. Everything. He says there's nothing out of the ordinary.

I'm like "Ok...... So what's the bad news?"

He said "Well, we still don't know what's causing the bleeding, so as long as you are here, we're going to do a cystoscopy."

"Holy Crap! Is that the thing where you shove an entire camcorder down my penis hole?"

"Yep. I told you it was bad news."

And then he called in one of his nurses to take me to another room he already had prepped. As she's walking me down the hall, she must have seen how white I looked, and she said "Don't worry, it isn't THAT horrible."

I just looked at her and said "I don't care how much emphasis you put on the word THAT, you still used the word HORRIBLE in connection with this procedure."

She said "I'm sorry, but it does suck..."

Great...

Anyway, she leaves me in this room and tells me another nurse will be there in a few moments to give me further instructions and prep. And a few minutes later this very young, attractive black woman walks in. She says "I need to take your off your pants and hop up on the table."

I was trying to put on a brave face by being a wiseass and said "Do I get to take off my underwear this time? The nurse that took my CT scan wouldn't let me!"

She said "Yes you do. Here's a blanket, I'll give you some privacy and you get yourself situated. I'll be right back."

So I strip off my clothes and hop up on the table and cover myself with the blanket. And a moment later the nurse comes back in. She says "Are you comfortable?"

I said I was, so she said "Good, I'm going to prep you now with some moist towellettes." Then she peeled back the blanket and started wiping off my crotch with them.

I said "You know, if I knew you were going to be doing that, I wouldn't have made you leave while I got undressed."

She said "I get that alot." as she continued to lift and readjust me as she wiped me down.

So I said "I'm sorry, but it's usually a lot more attentive when a woman is playing with it."

She said "I get that alot too. I'm used to it by now. It doesn't hurt my feelings anymore."

At which point my entire joke collection was shot. She sensed I was out of material and broke out some of her own. "Seen any good movies recently?"

I said "I bet you say that to all the guys."

"Yup, it helps break the ice while I attach the penis stand."

"The WHAT???"

"The clamp that's going to hold you pointed upward while the camera goes inside. It also helps me keep it in place when I inject the numbing gel like I'm going to do right now."

I looked down, and the only way I could explain the image was to think of a mini-basketball hoop that I was attached to, and then while I'm still grasping that idea, she's got this plastic syringe in her hand that she injected into the tip. Wow, that was an odd sensation. I'm not used to stuff going the other way.

After she was done, she said "It was nice meeting you" and she left. I never saw her again. But I think she went out into the hall and began pumping the Darth Vadar music over the loudspeakers. Because shortly thereafter the doctor came back in and said "Are you ready?"

I said "Would it help if I said NO?"

He said "No."

Dammit.

And then it began. And I won't blog about it. And I won't describe it. And all I can say is that thankfully it only took about 2 minutes. And when it was over he said "Everything looked OK."

Basically he said all he saw some calcified pockets that he would expect from patients who had previously passed kidney stones. He said that could be the cause, but he still didn't know. So for now he said not to worry about it. We'll revisit the issue in about 6 months.

Anyway, that's my story. For now...